In order to ask for something out of the relationship with somebody, first you have to know what it is exactly that you want. This may not always be clear at first, so one of the best way to guide
yourself through figuring this out is to observe how you feel. To you feel like you are leaning
towards something more than towards something else? Do you feel like something is missing?
Think of a relationship that is important to you and try to tune in your Wise Mind and ask yourself what you need from it. Do you feel like you need support, or perhaps like you want to give your support and love? Do you feel like you want to spend more time together with the person? Do you need to set a more clear boundary about a plan you made, or to say no to a request? It can be something else completely. Think about it.
In the worksheet write down what your priorities are. It is okay if you thought of more than one.
After each of them, rate their importance to you on a scale of 1-5
Example
Relationship: the one I have with my daughter.
Priorities:
I want her to be more obedient and to listen to what I say. (5)
I want to know more about what’s happening in her life. (4)
I want her to know that I am trying hard to be the best mom I can be. (3)
Asking For What You Want
After you’ve figured out what your priorities are, the next step is to ask for what you want. The
optimal way is to try to describe the situation without judging or putting blame on the other
person. Simply state the state of the situation as objectively as you can, and say how you feel
about it. Then, assertively ask for what you need.
Think about an important relationship of yours (it can be the same one from the previous step). Is
there something that you would like more or less of? Is there something else that you need
present in the relationship? Remember that besides asking for what you want, the other important
aspect is not to damage the relationship. Imagine how you would phrase the request and write it
down in the worksheet.
Example
Asking for what I want: I would tell my daughter: “You are a young girl who still needs some
guidance. I understand that you need your space and that you need to spend time with your
friends, but I also feel that it is my responsibility to protect you. So, what I am asking is for you to listen to my advice more and trust me that I want only the best for you.”